Babymoon...

So here is a little (understatement of the year) breakdown of our babymoon day by day. You may want to pour yourself a bottle of wine if you're going to read this in one go...its a long one and it goes a little something like this:

Babymoon day 1:

I just want to start this off by praising Shane on finding such an amazing place to visit. If anyone is looking for a 5* luxury, chill out holiday then you really need to come here. The hotel is faultless, the attention to detail is insane and it’s a real retreat for luxury, relaxation and complete stress relief.

After a pretty good flight we arrived in Kos and got our transfer to the hotel. The look on everyone’s faces on the transfer coach was an absolute picture as we pulled up and the driver said ‘Casa Cook’. Shane and I, along with one other couple, smugly jumped up to get off and get our cases ready to stroll into tranquillity whilst the rest of them stayed put ready to travel to their ‘half term hell’ hotels equipped with kids club and all you can eat buffets! Now before anyone decides to have a moan about me slagging off such hotels, I am fully aware this is more than likely going to be our holiday destination of ‘*choice’ in a few years time (* I use that term loosely because actually there is no choice in the matter unless we organise our own flights, sort out a sick air bnb and research the shit out of our chosen destination, which let’s face it, neither of us will be bothered to do or have the time for) so I’m merely making the most of being able to lounge by the private pool in our suite without the constant background noise of ‘muuuuuuuum I want an ice cream!!’ Or ‘muuuuuuuuum that baby has done a shit in the pool!’. We were greeted with welcome drinks and shown to our suite! Now I’m not going to over exaggerate here but, FUCK ME, it was amazing!! Matte marble sink, walls and worktops, waterfall shower head with complimentary toiletries from the hotel spa, raised queen size bed, free electronic tour guide with internet, text and phone call facilities that could be taken out on day trips, brushed silk kimonos, a corner sofa big enough for about 10 people, free unlimited use of the Krups coffee machine and ginormous patio doors that opened out onto our private terrace equipped with luxury sun loungers, hammock, thatched parasol and infinity pool. After picking our jaws up off the floor we quickly unpacked and went to explore before heading off to dinner. We wandered round the hotel grounds to get our bearings and you could literally hear a pin drop, it was so quiet it felt like we were the only ones there! We strolled past the picturesque pool and through the pool bar and headed down to the beach...which is also part of the complex and about 50 steps from the pool. We decided to go for a stroll in the sunshine and headed down the shoreline. Now, I know what you’re thinking - it’s all been sounding pretty normal until this point - but as you know, it wouldn’t be a true holiday blog post without a slight hint of ‘what the holy shit is happening?!’ so here it is...

We got about 200 meters away from the hotel section of beach and were merrily minding our own business taking about 27 pictures of the same piece of skyline to get that perfect ‘Instagram’ shot, when Shane turns to me and says ‘yeti at 6 o’clock!’. I turned round, pretending to take more scenery shots, to see what he was going on about when I was faced with a 60+ yr old bloke in budgie smugglers with what could only be described as a winter coat of body hair making his way towards us. He was probably about 50 meters away from us and you could see the sun shining through his fuzzy shoulder wigs which were dancing in the sea breeze like fields of corn - seriously, he needed sheering like a sheep or at least some, (approx 17 packs), of veet!! 

He was getting closer and all I could think of was him stopping near us and shaking himself like a dog, covering us in a mixture of sea water and chest pubes! But alas no, that would have been the more convenient option. Instead he stopped us, asked the obligatory ‘where are you from?’ question and proceeded to talk to us for 25 MINUTES about Greece, Theresa May, the local flowers, his home village, politics and an abundance of other crap, that quite frankly, I couldn’t be assed to listen to at 4pm in the afternoon! He then started drawing diagrams in the sand with his hairy trotters to help explain his concept on all the new hotels that were being built and that’s when I knew we had to make a swift exit before he kidnapped us and locked us in his cupboard under the stairs! We made our excuses to leave and power walked the fuck away from him whilst he shouted ‘bye, see you tomorrow!’ No bloody chance mate, we are now avoiding that section of the beach for the rest of the week!!

Day 2: 

It started off quite overcast today and was forecast to rain so we decided to check out the spa. We had just arrived back from breakfast so it probably wasn’t the best time to go swimming in a heated pool but new research shows that’s all a load of bollocks so we went anyway. I started off in the pool and Shane went to the gym - yeah I know, you’re on holiday mate, calm down! (Later I found out that they had Netflix linked up to the running and cycling machines so he was probably just catching up on Stranger Things or something) I walked into the empty pool room, excited to actually swim in a warm pool as it was only about 17 degrees outside and pretty windy. I dropped my kimono at the side of the pool like a Bond girl and started making my way down the silver steps onto the water.....the FUCKING FREEZING COLD water!! Heated pool my arse, it was like stepping into an ice bath after doing a marathon, not that I’ve ever done that, or run a marathon for that matter (mainly because I’m too lazy and run like Phoebe from friends) but that’s how cold I imagined it to be! I decided to grin and bear it, I had paid €15 to use this bloody pool and considering I wasn’t allowed in the sauna or hammam I was going to get my bloody money’s worth, even if that did mean rocking ‘bullet nipples’ for the next 40 minutes. Shane eventually joined me after building up a sweat watching Stranger Things, I mean running 5k and doing some weights, and we swam around a bit like penguins in the Antarctic before getting too cold and buggering off. The weather hadn’t got any better so we decided to go back to the suite, get changed and head into Kos town for look around. We were getting out of our swimwear, Shane with his newly purchased Ralph Lauren swimming shorts and me trying to squeeze my pregnant ass out of a bikini I’ve owned for about 3 years, when it happened. I was strategically positioned in the ‘kitchen’ area of our suite - one hand on the worktop and the other on my bikini bottoms with my leg bent out in a very graceful, slightly turned in retirè trying not to pop my hip out getting them off, when suddenly the wardrobe doors shook open, the floor moved and the teaspoons on our coffee cups jingled on the saucers. Yep you’ve guessed it, we had just experienced an earthquake! Granted, it only lasted about 10 seconds but we still both shit ourselves at the prospect and immediately thought the walls were going to crumble around us! Apparently this happens quite a lot and actually prevents larger (more fatal) earthquakes from happening so we had no need to worry but even so, if you’ve not experienced one before they are pretty scary. 

We went to reception to book our taxi into Kos old town and within 20 mins we were there. Old cobbled streets, a port and harbour, tiny restaurants and coffee shops decorated with vines and flowers and the standard gift shops with penis shaped bottles of vodka and cock bottle openers, so something for everyone really. We were trying to find somewhere to grab some lunch - we walked up a small side street into the square where there was a waiter trying to drum up some business by greeting people and showing them menus etc. As we got closer, I thought I was seeing things, but no, he had his finger so far up his nose it was literally knuckle deep - not even kidding! We walked past and he tried to get our attention to come in. I just stopped in my paces, lowered my sunglasses, looked at him in disgust and walked off! I think he got the picture. 

Day 3:

We decided to brave the beach in the hope that we didn’t bump into Wolverine again. The sun had come out but it was still pretty cloudy but we thought, sod it, were only here for a week, what’s a bit of cloud? We grabbed our sun loungers, put our towels down, put on some sun cream (just in case) and set up for a morning of sun/cloud bathing by the waves. It got about 20 mins in and the breeze from the sea was making us shiver like Bart and Homer in that episode of The Simpson’s where they go camping, get lost, Homer gets mistaken for bigfoot and they end up sleeping on the forest floor with a blanket made out of leaves - classic episode! We tried to stick it out for as long as we could but then it started spitting with rain so we decided to go to the pool bar for a hot chocolate. We sat on the sofas, set the ‘erotic Greek gods’ playing cards up that we bought from the penis gift shop yesterday, and chilled out for a bit while the heavens opened. Jesus Christ, it was coming down like the world was about to end, you know the type of rain drops that are the size of your head and get you saturated in about 5 seconds? Yeah that! There we’re still those typical Germans round the pool who would not give their sun loungers and beanbags up despite looking like a pair of complete wankers that were sitting in a forever growing puddle of rain whilst everyone else had darted for shelter in the bar area - but it wouldn’t be a holiday abroad without planks like that would it? 

Day 4:

Today is our 14 year anniversary, 2 year wedding anniversary and 30 week pregnancy milestone and to top it off....the bloody sun is out! It may only be 22 degrees but it’s 22 degrees with no cloud, no rain, no earthquakes and no fucks to be given! We started off with an anniversary breakfast - full English (obviously) followed by a vanilla cream, fruit and cake pot and a decafe coffee (yes, the thought of coffee is no longer making me want to puke in my handbag - score!) We then headed down to the beach to get our ‘tan’ on. Now, when I say tan, I mean Shane gets his tan on, I just stay white and get the odd patch of sunburn in the most random places even after applying factor 25 if I’m lucky! Today’s patches of choice turned out to be the inside of each kneecap so it now looks like I’ve been sitting with one of my legs crossed for a lengthy period of time - does anyone else get that when they’ve crossed their legs? No? Just me then - I’ll shut up! After a short stint at the beach we headed up to the pool for a laze on some sun loungers. I couldn’t quite understand why there were so many free down one side of the pool, but grabbed 2 anyway just in case it got busy again. We set up for the afternoon - headphones in, The unmumsy Mum diary on standby for when my phone died, salt and vinegar Pringles in the beach bag for emergency snack time and a quick top up of sun cream (just in case). After about 30 mins it was apparent why these sun loungers  were free, it was because the sun has already graced its presence on this side of the pool and we were now plummeting onto the shady shadows of the afternoon. I spotted a deserted beanbag by the pool so parked my pregnant ass on it for safe keeping - it was still clinging onto the remains of the sun so I knew I had a chance of adding to my ridiculous red bits. Shane however, was stuck on the lounger, unable to move it from its fixed position. As time went by, I dragged my beanbag to follow the 30cm square of sun that was still lingering on ‘the dark side’ whist Shane layered up on the lounger - he was the only person by the pool sunbathing with a hoody and denim jacket on! Please note, I did offer to swap on numerous occasions but he declined each one - what a gent! I realised it was probably time to go when his bottom lip started shuddering and he was hugging himself to keep the body heat in so we went back to the suite to get ready for dinner. Dinner time came and we pushed the boat out and ordered off the a’la Carte menu (fancy!). Shane had a steak the size of his head, I went ‘safe’ with chicken, a firm favourite of mine, and we splashed out and got a bottle of Moët....just kidding, Shane had a beer and I had a mocktail - living the pregnancy dream! 

Day 5:

Today went a little bit like this:

Ate breakfast

Grabbed some sun loungers

Went for a wee

Sunbathed

Ordered some drinks

Went for a wee

Sunbathed on the beanbags

Read some of my book

Went for a wee

Ordered lunch 

Went for a wee

Got back from the toilet

Went for a wee

Ate lunch

Sunbathed and listened to some music

Went for a wee

Ordered some more drinks

Read some more of my book

Went for a wee

Dipped my toes in the pool

Went for a wee

Sunbathed until the sun went down

Went back to the room

Showered

Got ready for dinner

Went for a wee

Waited for Shane to have a shower

Went for a wee

Ate dinner

Went back to the room

Moaned about my back ache

Got comfortable ready to go to bed, closed my eyes and needed a wee

Got up, went for a wee

Couldn’t get comfortable again

Went to sleep in a strop

Woke up at 3am for a wee

WEE!!!!!!! FML, baby, get off my bladder!!!!!!! 

Day 6: 

So today was pretty much a carbon copy of yesterday however I actually went to the effort of counting my wee’s as they had been so regular yesterday. If it wasn’t blatantly obvious I was 6 and a half months pregnant people would have probably thought I had a cocaine addiction. 37 was the total number, thirty bloody seven!! My bladder must be hella comfy for baby S to be using it as a pillow/comforter/sleeping bag!! To add to the 37 wee’s I’ve also developed a rather attractive and nowhere near annoying cough! It’s been brewing for a few days now but it’s defo in full force now, I literally have to squeeze my pelvic floor every time I feel a coughing fit coming on in the hope I don’t piss myself all over the comfy beanbag I’ve been sunbathing on!! After roasting ourselves by the pool again (the tan is coming along nicely....who the hell  am I kidding?!) we went for another stroll on the beach and set up camp on top of a hill in one of the sunbathing pods. We watched the sun set while the waves crashed against the shore and cuddled on our massive sun bed thinking about how lucky we were to just relax and watch the world pass us by (you have permission to puke because I know that is the gushiest thing ever, second to my bladder control just recently) but it’s true! I probably won’t even have time to pee in a few months so I’m glad we have been able to spend time away just the two of us, appreciating each other and making some final memories as a twosome! 

Day 7:

So today is our last full day in paradise, boo!!! We had a little sunbathe by the pool, went for a final walk along the beach, ate lunch at the pool bar and generally just chilled. Apart from ‘smoke gate’ - those of you that follow me on facebook will already know about that - but long story short - some complete bellend decided to intoxicate my ‘area’ with her fucking cancer fumes even though the pool area was basically deserted as most people had gone home by this point, but she still felt the best place to spark up was approximately 1 meter away from a clearly preggers sunbather and blatantly didn’t give a shit that I was coughing my lungs up! Apart from that little fiasco, which soon ended after I stared the bitch out, the day was pretty prefect. We went for dinner, our last luxury meal before the stress of cooking once we’re home from work commences, when suddenly I noticed 4 cats. Now these cats have been in and out of the restaurant all week. They clearly belong to someone who works there but they are timid as hell when you try to stroke them - they literally back off like ‘mate, what the fuck are you doing? You can’t touch this thoroughbred fur you peasant!’ As I looked over to my right they were all angled towards this one table where a woman and her husband were sitting. I didn’t really think much of it to start with until I saw the woman pull out a packet of ‘dreamies’ from her bag and scatter them on the floor for the cats. I kid you not, she had gone out of her way, 40mins to the nearest shop, to buy dreamies! She was trying to entice them towards her for a cuddle, but even with a handful of dreamies they just looked at her like Gemma Collins looked at Arg and said ‘you ain’t ever gona get this candy!’ But do you know who did get the candy?! Yeah that’s right, me!! Not a dreamie in sight and one of them, the baby of the crew, (I’m gona call him Merlot the 2nd as he was a spitting image of my cat) totted over, weaved through my legs, looked up and me and meowed so loud I melted inside and couldn’t resist! I reached down and gave the little cutie the most attention he had probably had in ages, he was purring like a jaguar and kept nuzzling his head into me whenever I stopped. Crazy cat lady from the table to the right looked over in a fit of jealousy at the attention he was giving me and angrily tucked into her dessert while me and Merlot the 2nd bonded over some lemon sorbet. What can I say, I am the holiday cat whisperer - just ask Sally, Becca and Lynn! 

Day 8:

Home time. After packing up our things, having one last ginormous breakfast and a final wander round the complex we sat in the sunshine and waited for our airport transfer. The coach arrived and as soon as I stepped one foot onto the stairs up to the seating area I could feel the relaxation drain from me, kind of like the colour in your face before you projectile vomit in every direction possible. The coach was pretty much full and the only 2 seats that were together were in between 3 chav families with about 12 kids between them, 4 gold chains, a whiff of stale smoke and alcohol and the odd ‘you only live once’ hand tattoo in the very popular ‘script’ font found on Microsoft word that was clearly done in someone’s kitchen for ‘a fraction of the price’. We had just entered hell. The transfer was only about 15 mins but it seemed like a lifetime of having to sit and listen to them talk about how much duty free tobacco they were going to buy at the airport and how much weight they had probably put on - not from all the free food they had shovelled into their mouths but from all the alcohol they had been drinking during their 9am cocktail binges and late night shot sessions!! Great parenting right there...like, seriously, I’m making mental notes as I write this on how to succeed as a Mum. We arrived at the airport and then got stuck behind them in the queue for check in. After having to listen to more ASBO gibberish we eventually got to the desk and got our boarding passes. Now, I’m not religious, but I was praying to every god possible that we weren’t sitting anywhere near them and to our absolute delight, they had been shoved in the back while we were in the front. Thank fuck for that!! 4 hours later we landed and the realisation kicked in that we were no longer on our relaxing break, we had entered single digit degree temperatures and I had to be at work in 15 hours! Talk about reality check! Oh well, babymoon, you were fun while you lasted! Thank you Shane for making it one of the best holidays I have ever had and our last (for a good few years) as just the two of us...now to drive back from Gatwick, unpack our suitcases and cry into my giant pregnancy pillow about the full day of teaching I’ve got tomorrow that I haven’t even planned yet! 

Casa Cook Kos, you have been a pleasure, but for now you are a distant, yet fucking awesome, memory! 

✌🏼

L xx