Fuck off Friday

If I could sum up how my day has gone so far it would be as follows:

My life is a bowl of soup and I am a fucking fork! 

First thing to hammer the nail in the FML coffin was my porridge overflowing in the microwave this morning whilst I dealt with a crying teething baby, which left a sticky, lumpy fucking mess everywhere and hardly any porridge left in the pissing bowl - who needs breakfast anyway? Apparently not me! 

The second thing to make me think I’m on an episode of punk’d with Ashton Kutcher (circa 2003) was the delivery of a certain ‘gift’ which A. Did not resemble the image online and B. Made me think to myself ‘what the fucking hell am I supposed to do with this?! I’m not going to mention ‘said gift’ in case the recipient reads this but I will give you an example of how far from the original the item was. Picture this: you’ve found an amazing deal online for a car, so much so that you would be crazy not to buy it. The image on the website looks amazing, it’s a shiny new convertible  with alloy wheels, keyless entry, air con, heated massage seats and drives itself. The delivery man turns up to your door with a parcel small enough to fit an ant in and you think ‘this must be the key - they will be delivering it on a diamond encrusted lorry with a personalised banner any second now...’ but no, the teeny tiny little bastard of a parcel is, in fact, the item you ordered - a miniature paint by numbers car, which after spending a small fortune doesn’t even come with the fucking paint! 

Then, while we are on the subject of cars, along comes ‘WTF’ number 3. We are currently having our driveway and garden landscaped and had ordered some block paving slabs to be delivered today. The lorry driver turned up with the blocks in tow, I went outside to tell him where to put them and he started lifting them off the lorry using the integrated crane. 2 mins later the doorbell rang ‘bloody hell, that was quick!’ I thought, considering he had approx 25 pallets to lift off. I opened the door and the delivery bloke said ‘bad news, I’ve just covered your car in hydrolic fluid. The pump for the crane just exploded and your car is covered’

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

Luckily my neighbour came out and offered to wash it all off for me as I was home alone with Indi, but this now means I will miss our first baby sensory class (Indi is obviously majorly pissed off about this because she just puked the equivalent of the dried up porridge in the microwave all down my neck which I am still to clean up - the porridge not the puke), I’m house bound until the crane engineer turns up to fix it and I somehow need to get the brakes on my car looked at to make sure the fluid hasn’t affected them before I drive it anywhere!! 

It’s 12.15pm....I’m opening the wine.....don’t fucking judge me! 🖕🏻

L xx