3, is the magic number...

3 is the magic number and I’ll tell you why....as soon as your baby hits 4 months everything turns to shit and you start googling things like ‘I think my baby is broken, where's the reset button?’

The first 3 months, albeit a bit of a learning curve, are actually pretty bloody easy - unless you have breastfeeding issues which makes you want to jump off a cliff (see previous blog post). All the baby really does is sleep, feed and poo. They are pretty happy just chilling out on an activity mat with some relaxing music playing in the background or kicking back in their baby swing whilst you knock back a coffee the size of your head to keep you awake til your partner comes home from work. When they are being clingy you can have cuddles on the sofa where they angelically fall asleep on your chest or you can put them in a sling and carry them round the house with you like the latest Louis Vuitton. We were quite lucky with Indi that she basically slept through from quite an early age and before that she only really woke once for a feed - which after waking her every 3 hours in the first couple of weeks, was a bloody god send. Fast forward to 4 months, and this is where we are...

Have you ever had that thing happen to you where someone is talking about something to you that you’ve never heard of or experienced and then all of a sudden it’s happening to you all the time? Well this happened to me and the subject matter was the 4 month sleep regression. FML. Why couldn’t someone start talking to me about winning the lottery or losing their Mum tum by taking some magic vitamin supplement?! 

I’d never heard of sleep regression before but apparently babies go through stages, usually at 4, 6 and 8 months, where their sleeping habits go back to those of a newborn with no prior warning and can last from a few days to a few weeks. When I was told this, I cast my mind back to when Indi was a newborn and thought, ‘actually, that’s not too bad, she slept for around 6 hours at a time by 4 weeks and was sleeping through by 8 weeks’ but no....she had decided to give us a taste of a textbook newborn and was waking up every 2 hours. 

What the fuck is going on?! She had lured me into a false sense of security by allowing me to think my baby was a gold medal winner at the sleeping Olympics to then be told they’ve been disqualified for doping and actually they will never sleep again! Well, that’s what it felt like. I wasn’t used to this ‘getting up numerous times in the night’ malarkey and it actually turned me into a mumbie (Mum zombie). She dropped all of her day naps, was clingier than a sloth hanging on to a branch and although she went down for her evening sleep fine, she woke up like clockwork every 2 hours throughout the night! I caved and bought a myhummy after about 5 days of sleep deprivation, and it seemed to work, although, £50 for the tiniest teddy head with a white noise timer inside?!?! They must be raking it in! Anyway, after 2 nights of using the myhummy she was only waking once a night for a feed which I could deal with. It wasn’t until one morning that week that I was applying her anbesol liquid to her gums to help with her teething pain (this stuff is actually liquid gold, buy it NOW!) that I felt 2 tiny little teeth on her bottom jaw. ‘So THAT is why she’s been a demon sleep thief the past few days’ I thought to myself. Fucking teeth! If this is what happens when 2 come through then fuck knows what’s going to happen when the rest of them start! 

To add to the shit storm of sleep deprivation, my hair has also stated to fall out which is just fan-fucking-tastic! Forget Hansel and gretals breadcrumb trail, if you want to get hold of me and can’t find me, look for the trail of blonde hair that seems to follow me around like a frigging snail trail. I’m surprised I actually have any hair left with the amount that has come out. I know this seems like an over exaggeration, but I kid you not, CLUMPS come out in the shower when I wash my hair and it’s like I’ve had a fresh set of extensions fitted to my arse crack when I rinse the conditioner out. It seem to be the perfect trap for lost hair! Although it’s not that good at catching it all as I’ve blocked the plug hole about 6 times in 6 weeks so I should maybe start doing some squats to allow me a larger captive area. I had the best hair of my life when I was pregnant and I’m kinda contemplating getting up the duff again just to get it back. I now look like one of those girls back in 2011 when it was ‘fashionable’ to shave the side of your head only to then realise you look like a tufty fuzzy felt when it starts to grow back. I’m literally sporting the fluffy side of Velcro at the sides of my forehead at the moment and I must say, it’s not a look I had envisioned 5 months post birth, but then again I thought I’d have a flat stomach by now and my belly button wouldn’t still resemble a cats asshole but that’s the joys of motherhood folks! 

Skip forward to 6 months and the sleeping is back on track (give or take the odd night) and considering Indi now has 6 teeth that’s pretty good going. My hair is still falling out as much as the cast of made in Chelsea and nappy changes have turned into a qualifier for ninja warrior. Indi has started rolling and crawling now and trying to keep her on her back to change her nappy is near on impossible. She’s also started food now so you can only imagine what is going on down there! I had an incident the other day where she had a major poonami in Aldi - right up her back, coming through her romper and soaked through to the pushchair liner. If you’ve ever experienced this don’t you just feel like screaming up to the sky.....WHY ME?!?!?! I’ve just had to:

1. Pack my shopping like a frigging octopus because the cashier thinks they win a prize for how fast they can swipe it across the scanner and how far they can launch it off the ridiculously small ‘packing area’

2. Carry 4 bags over from the shop to the car like a bloody donkey whilst trying to steer a pushchair - which may I add was not in a parent and child space because some wanker with a 15 year old had just nabbed the last one as I drove in (please note if you are one of the wankers that does this, you’re going to hell)

3. Work out how I’m going to get my baby in the car with the 7mm space that’s been left for me to get the door open 

So why oh why does the cherry on this already shitty cake have to literally be that...shit! I pondered about what to do for a few seconds and resulted in sitting her on a bag for life in her car seat until I got to my mums. There was no way I was risking her rolling round like a ‘shit tumble dryer’ in the boot/backseat whilst I attempted to change her so the 10p plastic bag took one for the team. This is one little plastic friend that sadly will not be a friend for life, but you did what you had to do, and for that, I will be eternally grateful. 

So, if you are the parent of a new born or are expecting one in the near future, make the most of not having to worry about them rolling off the changing station when you turn your back for 2 seconds to grab a nappy. Make the most of them falling asleep on your chest without them using your Mum tum as a trampoline or trying to crawl over your back and kicking you in the throat. Make the most of those midnight cuddles in bed before putting them back into their snoozepods. Make the most of your thick, luscious locks before they get sucked down the plug hole and disappear for eternity and make the most of them being teenie tiny babies because I know it’s a cliché, but they grow up so fast!!! Literally just did a little cry that Indi isn’t a teenie tiny newborn anymore - but she is a cheeky, squishy, smiley bubba that is learning new things, developing her skills and showing us different sides of her little personality everyday and for the time being, I am making the most of that. 

L xx